5





I don't love myself, so no one else can love me. I think I'm putting that message out in the world.
Which I don't want to be at all.. but I really.. don't love myself. I've completely lost myself. I have such low confidence and everyone sees that. I don't want to be this way. But I don't know how to love myself when I look this way. When everyone else looks at me this way. When friend after friend can get a boyfriend and I cant.. it hurts. But why can't I get a boyfriend.. I guess I feel I don't deserve one. Because of how fat I am. I have taught myself to not look in the mirror inless I have to. I've learned to be the photographer instead of being in the pictures. I mean I am a good person, I'd maybe even make the best girlfriend ever.. but .. well here is a story..
last boyfriend I had was in jr high. I adored him ((I still do actually)) and I couldn't believe he liked me. Well we had a class together and one day my little boyfriend was acting like he was mad at me..for no reason and I was frustrated with him cause he was mad but he wouldn't talk to me but I was standing in the front of the room and he came up behind me and said “I'm sorry I'm not mad at you” and kissed me on the cheek. I was in shock! I don't even remember what I did. I think I just went and sat down and thought about what had just happened. But I was on cloud nine.(i found out later that the whole him being mad at me was the plan. He had that all planed out. It worked for me. ha) Well later that week I was coming down the hall and my boyfriend was there talking to all his buddies. I walked up to give him and hug and one of the boys goes “Eww this is the girl you kissed? This is your girlfriend?” and laughed and walked away.. I don't think my boy even realized but that killed me. I didn't want him to feel embarrassed of me. And I don't think that he ever did. But I never wanted to be put in that situation ever again. I felt horrible and I broke up with him shortly after. I've regretted it ever since.